The past few days I have been a big ole baby. I have cried about any and everything and one night this week I even had a pity party in the tub of my shower.
I know I am a Military wife now, I am supposed to be a big girl and wear my big girl panties, I know that I am really just getting started in this new life and as of right now things are really nice. We have a really nice home on a really nice base, I have met wonderful new friends and I am finding my place and my way around.
I am not sure if the Easter holiday started bringing up these woe is me feelings but something has gotten to me. I have been thinking about J-baby going home. I cry thinking about him not being here any more. I knew from the beginning that this was a temporary situation. I knew that it wouldn’t be long that his mother would be ready for him to come home and yet every time it is mentioned I am ruined for the rest of the day.
I have always worried about my ability to be a mother. I have never really had a desire to have children of my own. Other than being a selfish spoiled brat who wants to do everything when I want, I have never thought that I had what it takes to be a mother. I worried about being a bad mother or not loving someone other than myself enough to take care of a little baby human the way one needs to be taken care of. But with J-baby, I do more for him and with him than I even think of for myself.
Since I have been a full time stay at home aunt, I have found that it is in me and I am good at it. I don’t really even think about it, it seems to come naturally to me. If I can love this little person this much and care for him and wish that he were my own, I think I now know that I can be a mother, and be a darn good mother.
Which brings me to my next problemo, since J-baby has been here with us, B has now decided that he doesn’t want kids. Not that he has to change a dirty diaper, or get up in the middle of the night when he is crying to give him medicine or get him something to drink or just hold him because he doesn’t feel well and it is the only thing to get him to stop crying. Not that he has to spend e.v.e.r.y. second with him of e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y and sometimes wish that Gammy was here just so that I could have 24 hours to myself and not have to be a full time aunt for those wonderful 24 hours. It seems our stance on the issue has been reversed and I am not sure how I feel about it. I would be ready to start TTC now, but he doesn’t even want to “think” about having kids in the future.
Easter was a tough; I wanted to be home so bad, to see my mom, dad, brother and Granny. I have been thinking about her more now that I am gone. Wishing I had spent more time with her before I left, hoping that I get to see her again soon.
I haven’t done as well as I should with J-baby this week. We haven’t been to Sven’s and we haven’t gotten as much play time in as we should, but I am hoping to get back on track ASAP. Hopefully this is just my girly week and I will pull myself out of this funk.
Next post I promise not to be a Debbie Downer and I will have pictures from another night of bowling and Easter Sunday. :/
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It will be okay love.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you lots of hugs.
I knew you would come around about the whole being a mommy thing. I am glad. You will be good at it. Blake will come back around to his old self. Having a kid full time all of a sudden is a big change and he is probably still adjusting.
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